slammed in the car door

One afternoon I was rushing to pick up something I forgot at work…sadly, I can’t remember what was so important. I picked up my child from school, threw her in the car, raced across town and screeched to a halt by the front door of my office. Leaving my child in the car, I ran to my office, grabbed this vastly important item, and rushed out.

When I got back to my car, my daughter’s door was open and she was talking to my co-worker.

He wished us both a good evening and shut the car door. Instantly I heard my daughter wailing inside the car.

My child’s fingers were slammed in the door. I ran around the car and opened the door. Thankfully, besides a few cuts, her fingers were just fine.

Fast forward a few years. The fingers have healed. Now all I see slammed in that door are my dreams…

I am 45.

I realize that I have lived at least half of my life.

When I look back at my life I see erratic attempts to make my life make a difference. Some difference was made. But that small difference does not seem to carry the continual rush I am after.

My dream is to live a BIG LIFE, to impact a lot of people and be known as a difference maker.

Reality, I am living a small life.

My days are spent supporting my husband’s dream business, caring for my parents who share our home, driving my child and her cousins to a school 20 minutes away, grocery shopping, laundry, and attending counseling twice a week.

When I share this dissatisfaction with people I always get ‘the reassurance speech.’ You know the one that says, ‘You are making a difference. Look at how well your child is doing, and how much support you are providing for your parents. Your husband couldn’t do this at home business without you! You are doing a wonderful thing with your life!’

I want to fly the double bird in their smug faces and say, ‘Screw you! This is NOT the life I dreamed of before and am living now! Most days it doesn’t even matter if I take a shower!! What about my life?? What wonderful thing am I doing for my life?!’

But, of course, I don’t say that. I smile and force those words back down my throats to join all the other words I have been told before. Then I begin feeling selfish and self absorbed and the cycle continues.

Here’s the honest truth:

I feel like God has benched me, for life. And I wonder what horrible foul or lousy error I committed to get here.

This benched frustration is causing me to stretch deep and look with eyes that have been ripped of optimism. In their place I have eyes that can see with clarity and reality. And guess what? I don’t like most of what I see. I am STILL struggling with the same issues I had 20 years ago. My weight, my house, lack of friends, issues with my parents, my marriage, and doubt. Lots and lots of doubt.

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE!

This blog will be my travel diary on my journey.

I am going to attempt to be really, really real in this blog and work some of these issues out.

If any of this resonates with you, join with me in this journey. Ask painful questions of me. Push me to be more honest. Find a place that is refreshing because it is honest.

May peace be the journey.

M

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